Should I Get Back With My Ex? An I Ching Way to Decide

If you're asking "should I get back with my ex?", the answer is yes only when two things are true. The reason it ended has actually changed, and you can point to what changed instead of hoping it did. And you want this person as they are now, more than you want the missing to stop. If the same problem is still sitting there, going back usually restarts the relationship a few chapters before the same ending.

When is getting back with an ex a good idea?

It tends to work when the breakup came from something outside the two of you, or from something one of you has since done real work on. It tends to repeat when the cause is still there and only the loneliness is new.

Going back has a real chance when	Going back usually repeats the ending when
You broke up over circumstances: distance, a bad year, a job, timing	You broke up over how one of you treated the other, and nothing has been done about it
The person who caused the hurt has named it without being pushed	The apology is vague: "I've changed," "it'll be different"
You've seen months of different behavior	The change started the day they asked you back
You both want the same kind of life: where to live, kids, how much time together	One of you still wants something the other has already said no to
You'd choose them even if you weren't lonely	Mostly you want the ache to stop

If most of what you can honestly tick sits in the right-hand column, the kind thing to do for yourself is to stay apart, even if that hurts more this month.

What actually ended it, and is that still true?

Write the reason down in one sentence. Use the real one, not the polite version you told friends. Then sort it:

Circumstances. A long-distance year, a family crisis, one of you not ready. These can change on their own, so check whether they have.
Behavior. Lying, drinking, cheating, coldness, contempt in arguments. This changes only when the person changes it, and you see it over time. A promise made in a hard conversation is where change starts; it isn't evidence yet.
Different wants. One of you wants children and the other doesn't; one will never leave the city. These rarely move. Getting back together without settling them means having the same breakup later, with more years in it.

Be as honest about your own part. If you went quiet whenever things got hard, or kept score, going back means doing that differently too.

Do you want them, or do you want the hurt to stop?

Right after a breakup the two feel identical. Try this: picture your ex coming back exactly as they were in your last month together. Same habits, same arguments, same distance. Would you still say yes?

If you would, you're weighing a real relationship. If your answer is "only if they'd be different," go back to the table and look for proof. If what you mostly feel is relief at the thought of not being alone, that's real and worth looking after, and a friend, a sibling or a full weekend will look after it better than a restarted relationship. If tonight it's mostly the missing that's loud, I miss my ex looks at what that feeling is made of.

Should I get back with my ex if they're the one asking?

Ask them what they would do differently, and listen for specifics. "I'll be better" is a mood. "I've been seeing a counselor about my temper since March" or "I turned down the job in Berlin" is a change. You're allowed to take your time with the answer. Someone who means it can wait a few weeks while you watch.

If your question is whether they'll come back at all, will my ex come back? reads that side.

What the I Ching says about going back: Hexagram 24, Return

Hexagram 24, Return, is the I Ching's hexagram about coming back, and what it means by return is the useful part. In my translation, its judgement reads: "If one strays but returns to the path, in seven days comes the renewal." The return it praises is a return to your own right course. Sometimes that does mean going back to a person. Sometimes it means coming back to yourself after a stretch of chasing someone.

Three of its lines describe three very different returns:

The first line: "He doesn't go far before coming back, incurring no regret—supreme good fortune." This is the short break where you both saw the mistake quickly and nothing deep was broken. It's the best case for getting back together, and it's usually obvious when you're in it.
The third line: "Returning with a frown — danger, but no blame." This is the on-again, off-again pattern: going back while part of you already winces. One return isn't a disaster, but the strain builds with each one. If this is your third time back, the line asks why the frown is still there.
The sixth line: "Lost in going astray—ominous, with misfortune looming." This is going back because you can't face that it ended, returning after you've lost your own way. The line goes on to warn of no victory "for ten years," which is the I Ching's way of saying the cost lasts.

If a reading on this question gives you Return, look at which line is moving. It tells you which kind of return you're considering.

How to ask the I Ching about getting back together

"Should I get back with my ex?" asks for a yes or no, and a reading does better with a situation to describe. Ask two questions and cast once for each:

"What would going back to this relationship look like over the next six months?"
"What does staying apart ask of me right now?"

Then compare them. The primary hexagram shows the situation each path puts you in, the changing lines show where it strains, and the resulting hexagram shows where it tends if nothing else changes. On Ask Yi, the Why This Result section shows which lines the reading leaned on, so you can check it against what you know about the relationship.

If you decide to stay apart, or need a stretch of quiet before you can decide at all, no contact covers how to get through it. For other love questions, start from the love I Ching reading guide.

When the answer is no, whatever a reading says

If your ex hurt you physically, threatened you, or controlled your money, your phone or who you could see, don't use a reading or a checklist to talk yourself back. Tell someone you trust, and if you're in danger, contact a local domestic violence hotline or emergency services.

FAQ

Is it a good idea to get back with an ex? Sometimes. It's a good idea when the reason you broke up has truly changed and you can see the change in their behavior over time. It's a bad idea when the same problem is still there and the main difference is how much you miss them.

How do I know if I should take my ex back? Ask what they'd do differently and listen for specifics, then watch whether their behavior matches for weeks. If you'd only say yes because they promised to change, wait until you've seen the change.

How long should I wait before deciding? Long enough for the first shock to fade and for any promised change to show up. For most people that means weeks. If someone is pressing you to decide tonight, that pressure is part of your answer.